Disappointment

I won. I won 4/5 of my indoor triathlons. One of them was done by points and I somehow edged out someone with a better bike and run than mine. One of them I go down on record as having come in 4th (first in age group but 4th female) because they counters confused my bike time with another racer. Race officials refuse to fix it and give me just lip service.

I shouldn't care because I know what I achieved and the point isn't some piece of base metal with a sticker  on it saying I was first. The point is that I have come off the blocks strong from my off season.

But I worked for it. It's MINE. That recognition should be MINE. There's a selfish child in me screaming. I told the people at FFC I would never do one of their indoor triathlons again. Like they care.

I get the "so"? reaction when i tell people...correction...when i tell MEN. It's as if I should be grateful for any little thing. I should be wildly grateful that I'm allowed an equal stab at any athletic achievement.

And i sit here with a migraine, sore legs, some weird pain in my backside wondering if I should just stop now. I could sign up for another race... but what if this little pain isn't gone by then? Fear. Fear sabotaging a dream. Am I doing this to myself? Am I making myself injured? I half think the migraine is my body's way of screaming STOP. Stop and let me sleep for christ's sake.

We have no time for sleep. Keep going.